Maine Pyaar Kyon Kiya- WHY indeed!

Granted, David Dhawan is not known as a great provider of thought-provoking and symbolic cinema, but in Maine Pyaar Kyon Kiya he fails to meet even his own low standards.

That this three-hour ordeal was nothing more than a paid Khan family vacation to the Maldives and Dubai (with girlfriend Katrina Kaif and brothers Sohail and Arbaaz Khan in tow), was evident as plot was traded for glossy sets and frolics on the beach. You half-expect step-mother Helen to wiggle out from behind a palm tree firmly grasping father Salim's hand. If only.

The 'story' centres on the philandering ways of a supposedly 'young' 30-something orthopaedic surgeon, Sameer (Salman Khan), whose string of girlfriends are kept at bay by constantly lying that he his married. This works until he falls in love with Sonia (Kaif), and wants to marry her.

Having willingly had an affair with a supposedly married man, Sonia suddenly develops a set of scruples and harasses Sameer (while annoying the viewers) to meet his supposed wife. Sameer enlists his nurse Naina (Sushmita Sen), who is secretly in love with him, to play said biwi. (Well, of course, what 5' 10" nurse with model looks would not fall for a 5' 4" doctor with a receding hairline who molests his female patients and lies to his girlfriends?)

To make a long, annoying, and predictable story short, the lies escalate until Sameer's staged divorce with Naina is halted by his mother who rides into the courtroom as soon as she steps off her train from Patiala (or some such place) after he delivers the line, 'What do we expect from our wives? That they're like our mothers in the kitchen and our girlfriends in the bedroom'. One wonders if Salman found it easy to slip into this method acting after years of real-life experie nce...

After an elaborate homecoming of the newly non-divorced couple, a series of Binduesque behaviour is adopted by Naina to make saasu-maa beg Sameer to get a divorce after all. All the while, Sameer is secretly seeing Sonia who is also being wooed by her neighbour, Pyaare (Sohail Khan).

And yes, you guessed it. There is a jilted-at-the-alter finale (Sonia leaves Sameer for Pyaare) which wouldn't be complete without a stop-the-plane airport scene (Sameer is urged by best friend, Vikaram or Vijay or V-something (Arshad Warsi) to get Naina back).

The airport scene confirmed that the quickly dwindling number of unstolen Hollywood scenes has caused some directors to turn to television. I am speaking of the final episode of Friends where Phoebe stops Rachel's plane to Paris by scaring people into thinking something was wrong with the 'left magwheel'.

Ditto. Insert Naina for Rachel, Sameer for Ross, and V-something for Phoebe. Of course, why Naina would take the call of V-something at all, a man whom she despised so much that she had to leave the room to wash her hands every time he touched her, remains among this movie's many mysteries.

All the usual disclaimers about Salman Khan's 'acting' apply. He can barely deliver a line without contorting his face, his contrived deep voice squeaks to belie its high pitch, he's bare-chested at least once a reel, wears high-heeled boots to appear taller than both female co-stars, and postures throughout.

Most telling about the quality of this film is that despite all of this, his acting 'ability' out-scrapes Sohail Khan's. Blessed with even fewer looks and talent, Sohail joins Salman in flexing his muscles throughout. Someone should really tell him to stay behind the camera--but then again, perhaps this is why he finances his own films.

Why we are forced to endure a 40-something has-been actor turned fatal hit and run driver, poacher, and woman-beater who displays his steroid induced body for self-propagated voyeurism on the screen, is really the question. Sadly, this film does nothing to counter that.